X-Kitty

When we rescued Kitty all those years ago (well, like two), she came factory-declawed.  I wouldn’t declaw a cat myself, but, you know, it has its advantages and we weren’t going to turn her down.

And so, for many a year (read: two), declawed Kitty and her two daddies were happily living life, chock full o’ purring, belly rubbins, and lap-sittin’.

Then the big, bouncing monster known as Ripley came along.

Kitty, ever the lady, didn’t want to seem rude at first, and would graciously allow Rip to get close to her; I guess she assumed he’d just bow to Her Majesty, but unfortunately, that approach was more like “a precursor to a pounce,” and soon Kitty was underfoot (err, paw).

Eventually, Kitty tried to assert her dominance by batting at Rip’s snout any time he got too close. The bad news?  Without a sharp-clawed deterrent, Rip just saw Kitty’s bats as a cute, rhythmic petting.  He didn’t really take the hint that Kitty is boss and doesn’t care to play with him.

I feel bad.  Kitty is my princess and deserves better than to be under constant threat of a dog-based terror attack.  I need to give her the tools in which to defend herself.

Kitty needs to be weaponized.

Gentlemen, we can rebuild her.  We have the technology.

CONTROVERSY! Ten Reasons Why Our Puppy is More Challenging Than Your Baby

[Disclaimer: I, of course, have no idea what it’s like to raise an actual human child. This post is just operating under the assumption that I’m right about everything always.]

10 Reasons Why Raising Ripley is More Challenging Than Raising Your Baby

1. Your baby doesn’t try to bite off your nose with really sharp teeth during play time.

2. Your baby doesn’t hump the pillow you sleep on.

3. Your baby doesn’t eat carpet fibers, mulch or grass.

4. Your baby doesn’t whine wanting to go outside, and then when outside doesn’t go to the bathroom, only to pee on the floor five minutes after getting back in the house.

5. In fact, your baby doesn’t need to go outside every two hours–it just poops its pants.

6. You can leave a baby in a crib or a car seat for like 6 hours on end, unlike our dog, which you need to follow from room to room, otherwise he WILL take the opportunity to poop in my shoe or eat the rubber end of a doorstop.

7. Your baby doesn’t try to eat your cat.

8. You can take a baby under two years old on a plane with you…for free! What a steal! If we want to take a puppy on the plane, it’s $75 each way if he fits below the seat (he doesn’t), or he can’t go at all. And to board him? $35 a day!

9. You get a whole bunch of free stuff from friends when you have a baby; when you get a puppy, people just want to pet your dog…without any sort of compensation. The nerve!

10. You can take a baby with you to the Olive Garden. Not so with a puppy. Instead, we’ve been reduced to eating DiGorno’s frozen Pizza & Wyngz combo at home every night. WYNGZ!! What does that even mean?!?!