The Lance & Jeff Glossary of Terms

This colorful, beautiful Lance Original (TM) is brought to you by our new Bamboo Tablet and Pen.

There comes a day in every relationship when something you say aloud gives you pause. It could be, “Don’t be unlurp!” or perhaps, “I forgot my umbie today and it’s going to rain!”

That’s right: you and your partner have slowly established your own sub-dialect, a sugary-sweet (well, one hopes its that more than venomously vitriolic) concoction of pig latin-esque nonsense which sounds more like names of Pokemon than actual English.

This will only intensify as you bring dumber creatures into your life (i.e., pets or children), and you feel the need to introduce baby talk into an already warped nonstandard language.

For example, here’s a conversation that I might have with Lance on any given day:

Me: “Ripley, has Daddy #1 fed’ed you yet?”

Ripley: “Arf?”

Lance: “Daddy #1 fed’ed Rippy fifteen mims ago.”

[Kitty (also known as Meepy, Janney, Miss Regaltons, and Littlest Boo) enters]

Kitty: “Mrrroooww?”

Lance [to Kitty]: “Kitty, did Daddy #2 forget to clean your poop rocks again?”

Me [ashamed]: “Yes, Daddy #2 will do it right now…”

Lance: “How unlurp!”

Now, Lance and I can follow this pidgin language just fine, but I can only imagine how we come across to others when we accidentally let it slip out in public.  There have been a few times, like when I said at work, “Aww, man, I forgot my umbie!” and, upon realizing my shameful error, quickly added, “…rella!” My co-workers must’ve been thinking, “What the hell is an umbierella?”

Since this blog is where we go to publicly embarrass ourselves anyway, let’s go over just a few of the many terms Lance and I employ on a daily basis:

  • Daddy #1: Lance, ’cause he’s older
  • Daddy #2: Jeff, since I’m younger and generally inferior
  • Rippy/Pippy/Ripley Doodle/Little Pip: Ripley the Magical Pup
  • Kitty/Meepy Meepykins/Littlest Boo/Miss Regaltons/Kitty Boo/Dumb Bitch (that’s Lance’s): Janney the cat
  • PNFF: the acronym for “Partner n’ Friend Forever.”
  • Mims: what Lance sleepily requests every weekday morning when Jeff attempts to wake him up (translation: minutes)
  • Pei Wizzles: Lance and Jeff’s dinner of choice (translation: Pei Wei Asian Diner)
  • -izzles: A suffix to basically any type of food (i.e., pizza would be “pizzles,” )
  • Hungrizzle: Hungry, which leads to our other uses of -izzle
  • SB: Starbucks
  • B-B-Dubs: Bath & Body Works (not to be confused with Cottonelle Moist Wipes, which are called “B-Dubs”…you figure it out)
  • Fringies: Lance’s favorite TV show, “Fringe”
  • Poop rocks: Cat litter
  • Buggy: Shopping cart
  • Unlurp: what Jeff calls Lance when Lance is being grumpy (translation: unloving)
  • That’s lurp!: what Jeff says to Lance when Lance does something nice (translation: loving)
  • Doll babies: Jeff’s collectible figurines (translation: Marvel Mighty Muggs)
  • Umbie: an item used to protect Lance and/or Jeff from the rain (translation: umbrella)
  • Dins: Dinner (related: “What’s for dins?” is the universal signal for “Lance wants pizza for dinner”)
  • Ouce cream: Ice cream (borrowed from Michelle Tanner)
  • Pennum: A nonsense word that Lance once repeated empathically as he was coming out of a heavy sleep. Now used sparingly as meaningless word vomit

The above list is by no means exhaustive; heck, we probably say stupid crap all the time and don’t even realize it.

What’re some examples of your homegrown relationship vocabulary?


Lance, Sensitive Artiste

So, the other day, I was cleaning out my perpetually messy junk drawer, and stumbled upon a stack of Lance Originals (TM).  Now, you don’t see Lance behind the drawing board often, so I’m probably spoiling you all with what stands as the extent of my current collection of his stirring, compelling artwork.

Now, we all know that cautionary phrase, “too much of a good thing.” But as red, white, and blue-blooded Americans, when has sensible, paced consumption been something that’s held us back? “Manifest destiny,” and all that.  Let’s take a gander at some of Lance’s moving work:

Circa early-2011:  I appreciate the fashion forwardness of my ascot (they’re coming, people! I guarantee it!), as well as our Ford Fiesta, which is depicted as more of a kitchen cabinet on wheels than a traditional automobile.  Is this a statement on our tendency to eat out at restaurants more than at home?  How thought-provoking…

Circa 2010: Lance demonstrates his firm grasp on perspective. The snake with the beak in the upper-left corner is defying convention by slithering in two dimensions.  Is Lance critiquing the serpentine nature of the current American political oligarchy?

One statement I am confident that Lance is making in the above image is: a sun wearing a pair of goggles is pretty sweet.

Circa July 2012: Lance depicting Ripley’s classmate at puppy school, Tilly, and her well-intentioned but slightly moronic owners.  Long story short: at the time Tilly was a two-month old black lab who had a seemingly limitless supply of aggressive energy, which she was likely to take out on Ripley.  Their leashes would get all tangled as they fought (it wasn’t playing, that’s for sure), and Lance and I and the other owners would constantly have to weave in and out of each other’s arms as we try to free up the leashes.  During one of our last class sessions, Tilly’s “dad” came in which scabs all up and down his arms, and he dopily chuckled, “Ooh, that Tilly!”

(No, dude, not, “Ooh, that Tilly!”  How about you train your dog not to shred up your arms?)

The problem was that Tilly’s parents treated puppy school as a way for Tilly to release some of her natural puppy energy.  Of course, this meant that very little learning (for which we paid a not-inexpensive price) actually occurred during class.  Tilly’s parents, if you want Tilly to make friends, take her to the dog park–we’re trying to learn here!

(Goodness, we are nerds.)

Suffice to say, we didn’t care for Tilly or her dumbo parents.  Lance’s rendition of Tilly above captures not only her satanic nature, but also her constant, curiously concerned look.

Circa 2010: Our last pair of images provides more of a compare/contrast exercise.  We were tasked by our pal Romina to create a design for her team’s t-shirts for the Lupus Loop charity event.  In an inspired move, we went with a superhero theme, intending the design to showcase a superpowered Romina fighting off the Bad Guys who plague people with Lupus.  Here’s my original sketch with that idea in mind:

And here’s Lance’s…

Check out that helmet hair, and Romina’s licorice arms successfully capture the strength of the Superhero Archetype.  In this piece, I think it’s important to notice that the sound effects are not a result of Romina actually punching the sun or a snowman, but rather her victims are crying these out themselves, with every hit. I’d never thought that a snowman would yell, “ZAP!” when whacked by a jelly arm, or that a sun would exclaim, “P.O.W.!” under the same circumstances.  Is the sun here just trying to surrender, offering itself up to Romina’s Lupus Prisoner of War camp?

I hope these complex, thought-provoking pieces gave you something to think about today, readers.  Remember, Lance will do commissions!


Periodically, Lance and I will challenge each other to a draw-off.  One of us pics a topic or theme, and then we both have to draw our interpretation of it.  (Note: Lance tends to giggle incessantly during this exercise–it’s actually kina cute!)

Past topics have included:

  • The moment we got engaged
  • Eating at Ruby Tuesday
  • When we adopted Kitty

Our latest draw-off happened a few days ago.  The prompt?  Our furry friend brigade, Ripley and Kitty.  Here’s what I produced:

Cute, not terribly funny (can’t hit ’em all outta the park), inoffensive.

Then Lance shows me his. Parents, you may want to hide your children, for you’re about to look into the Hellmouth:

I mean, besides Kitty’s wheel-legs and extraneous flipper…WHAT THE SUPERFUDGE IS WITH RIPLEY’S EYES??  I think Lance just broke the last seal to Hell, Sam and Dean!

(…Ooh, Dean!)