Shut Up, Baby

Continuing our theme for this week, “Lance and Jeff are terrible human beings,” I am going to admit something part-embarrassing, part-justifiably hilarious:

Whenever we’re out in public, like at the grocery store or at the mall, I have developed an involuntary respons when I hear an infant innocently coo or squeal in delight. Under my breath, I say, with a dash of dramatic venom, “Shut up, baby!”

This is probably my mind’s way of reacting to Lance’s Baby Clock (it’s a-tickin’).  Not that I don’t want to have kids, but…I’m also terribly selfish and want to spend my money on DVD season sets of “Supernatural” instead of diapers…at least for right now. Priorities, people!

I’m just waiting for the day when some dad (or mom; we’re progressive!) overhears me when I accidentally scold their wee child a little too loudly. I imagine it will unfold kinda like this scene from “The Simpsons.”

CONTROVERSY! Ten Reasons Why Our Puppy is More Challenging Than Your Baby

[Disclaimer: I, of course, have no idea what it’s like to raise an actual human child. This post is just operating under the assumption that I’m right about everything always.]

10 Reasons Why Raising Ripley is More Challenging Than Raising Your Baby

1. Your baby doesn’t try to bite off your nose with really sharp teeth during play time.

2. Your baby doesn’t hump the pillow you sleep on.

3. Your baby doesn’t eat carpet fibers, mulch or grass.

4. Your baby doesn’t whine wanting to go outside, and then when outside doesn’t go to the bathroom, only to pee on the floor five minutes after getting back in the house.

5. In fact, your baby doesn’t need to go outside every two hours–it just poops its pants.

6. You can leave a baby in a crib or a car seat for like 6 hours on end, unlike our dog, which you need to follow from room to room, otherwise he WILL take the opportunity to poop in my shoe or eat the rubber end of a doorstop.

7. Your baby doesn’t try to eat your cat.

8. You can take a baby under two years old on a plane with you…for free! What a steal! If we want to take a puppy on the plane, it’s $75 each way if he fits below the seat (he doesn’t), or he can’t go at all. And to board him? $35 a day!

9. You get a whole bunch of free stuff from friends when you have a baby; when you get a puppy, people just want to pet your dog…without any sort of compensation. The nerve!

10. You can take a baby with you to the Olive Garden. Not so with a puppy. Instead, we’ve been reduced to eating DiGorno’s frozen Pizza & Wyngz combo at home every night. WYNGZ!! What does that even mean?!?!