We all have our idiosyncrasies. I can’t think of any of mine right now, but there must be some…right…?
Anyway, one of Lance’s most distinct eccentricities is in straw preference. Like, in that he has actual opinions about drinking straws. And, apparently, I’ve been getting it wrong for the past five years.
To be clear: this isn’t a preference about straight-versus-bendy; that I could almost understand. This isn’t even about the whackadoo loop-de-doo crazy straws, or those stupid 7-Eleven straws adorned with plastic figurines of characters from the lastest summer blockbuster.
This is about regular ol’ straws.
“Make sure to get me a short straw!” Lance would always command, as he lay in bed on a Saturday morning, sending me out to fetch his iced coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts. Dunkin’, like many places that serve coffee/fountain soda, offer two different sizes of straw. “…Or don’t bother coming back!”
Okay, whatever, I thought to myself. Does it really matter? Nevertheless, I obliged.
At one point, we lived near a Dunkin’ Donuts that only had the long straws, so Lance amassed a stockpile of short straws from another location.
And we lived in relative harmony for awhile, me always grabbing the short straw from the self-service counter, or even, against my nature, asking the cashier specifically for a short-straw. Because I love him so much.
Then, the other day, I picked up a fountain soda for Lance from Wawa, making sure to get the short straw.
When I got home, he gave me The Face.
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!” he yelled, throwing his Wawa straw across the room.
“It’s…it’s the short straw…!” I eked out, cowering in fear in the corner.
“IT’S NOT ABOUT HOW SHORT IT IS!” [Editor’s note: that’s what she said.] Lance said. “IT’S ABOUT THICKNESS! THIS ONE’S TOO HARD!” [Ed.: see previous.]
I had failed Lance. All this time, I just assumed that he liked the shorter straws. It didn’t make any sense, but what idiosyncrasy does? Nope. It’s not about the length of straw, but rather, the firmness of the plastic that he’s concerned about. Apparently, a firmer straw does not make for a pleasant drinking experience.
So there you have it: your daily dose of double entendre.