25X: Heterosexual Trees


For years now, folks, I’ve been asking one very simple thing of Lance: “Can we have fun ornaments on our tree this year, PLEEEEEASE?”

And Lance’s response, every year, is, “Ugh, God, no! It’ll look so tacky, like a dollar store toy aisle threw up in our house. Are you even gay?”

It’s true, readers: I’m apparently not gay, because I just don’t “get” the Stylish Tree.  Sure, all the ornaments are the same and the uniformity appeals to my sense of symmetry, but where’s the heart, the spirit in that tree?  Stylish Trees are like good-looking people: pretty on the outside but vapid and soulless on the inside. (I just say this to feel better about myself ::looks into a mirror, then begins to silently cry::)

Much like my personal fashion sense, I want a tree that’s not put-together.  Instead of fifty of the same silver ornaments, I want ornaments that mean something, that carry some weight (also much like myself).  Decorating the Christmas tree when I was growing up was an event unto itself, a walk down memory lane as each ornament had a story behind it.  “This is an ornament we got the year you were born,” or “Ooh, this is the ornament you made us in fourth grade because you were too unmotivated to get a child labor job, you lazy bum.” The ornaments ran the gamut of design, from handmade baked clay and paper to plastic to professional, hand-painted porcelain.  My parents’ tree was, and is, a hodgepodge, a mishmash, a glorious pastiche (there, regained my gay card) of memories.

That tree has soul.  If a gay Christmas tree is “put-together,” then I wanted the straightest-ass tree possible.

So, it was with true elation that I stumbled upon an extra Christmas tree in our storage closet, which we thought we threw away and had replaced.  TWO TREES! I thought. WE HAVE TWO TREES! Suddenly, my dream, previously squashed with venomous glee by my husband, had life breathed into it.

“Fine, you can set up the second tree,” Lance obliged, “but not in any place where other people can see it!  I have a reputation to uphold here!”

And I did.  The second tree is now up in the bedroom.  But unfortunately, lacking in memories.  Since we haven’t purchased ornaments over the past few, formative years of our relationship, the tree is currently sporting a whopping two–TWO–ornaments, both related to Dunkin’ Donuts (hot and iced coffee cups, because we’re thorough).  My tree is looking a little sparse.

I shared this disappointment with my mom, who rightly pointed out that it took my parents 35 years to amass their ornament collection, which they have to keep in rotation because they now have more than can fit on the tree.  “It’s a blessing…and a curse,” she admitted.

Does this mean I have to wait another 29 Christmases to have a completely full tree, full of MEMORIES?? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!



9 thoughts on “25X: Heterosexual Trees

  1. I agree with Lance on the “formal” tree. I usually have themed trees. In the past, it was blue and glass. Now, we have a Tinker-bell / candy tree. However, each year, we pick out one special ornament to add to the tree… as long as it falls under the current “formal” colors. Rob is much like you Jeff… so we came up with this compromise. Granted, I also like the idea of multiple trees. 🙂

  2. Here’s another idea…… you don’t need to put just “ornaments” on your tree… What about small items from your travels. An example could be a small bottle of sand to remind you of Hawaii… or chopsticks from your Tokyo trip tied with a ribbon. Put a date on them and then every year, you can remember the adventures that you had done in the past, and it is something that you can collect all year.

  3. “If a gay Christmas tree is “put-together,” then I wanted the straightest-ass tree possible.”

    I think I just snorted coffee out my nose. I am L*O*V*I*N*G your blog.

  4. Pingback: 25X: Christmas Stories « Lance + Jeff

  5. Pingback: Thanks, Y’All « Lance + Jeff

  6. I recognize how late I am in leaving a comment, but I was amazed at how similar my experience is to yours. My partner also doesn’t believe in the “straight” Christmas tree (in our old place I had to keep it in the basement) and we also put up two Christmas trees, so he can have his gay, serious tree, while I decorate a more straight, whimsical tree! Actually, we have this problem with a lot of Christmas decorations, which I consider fun Christmas silliness, and he considers tacky eyesores.

    I’ve learned to have fun with it. Now I keep threatening to buy and display inflatable Christmas decorations or to buy Santa hats and place them on his very serious wooden swans in our library. I’d never do it (even I have my limits, and inflatable decorations are wildly over them), but its fun to see the temporary look of panic in his eyes.

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