What To Do When Your Partner Leaves You Alone With A Neutered Dog

Friends, it’s true: Lance is leaving me.

…for a long-weekend of giggling, falling asleep at early hours, and the Tournament of Kings dinner show in Las Vegas with his BFF of 20 years (OMG so old!), Romina.

Should I feel jealous that he’s travelling without me?  Or worried about suspicious activity? (Like, will Lance pass out from a protein-overdose at the MGM Grand Buffet after eating too many ribs??)

Well, I’m not.  If I know my boy, he’ll be more disgusted by the vast majority of other gays and their sleeveless, too-snug tees to find anybody attractive.  He’ll probably make this face if anybody comes on to him:

Or, he and Romina won’t make it out of the hotel room after ordering room service and turning on a TLC reality show marathon.

But still, that leaves me (and really, isn’t it all about me?) alone with two furry friends, one of whom is about to go through reverse-puberty, for four days.  How could I possibly force myself to get out of bed, separated from my love as I’ll be, and find things to occupy my time for that long??

Here’s a little secret, folks: while I will undoubtedly miss my Boo Berry, there is a certain air of freedom that comes with having the house to yourself for a little while, and I plan to bathe myself in that sweet, glorious freedom.

“How does this manifest itself?” you may ask.

I’m not going to be throwing any parties or procuring any illicit drugs or any such thing.  What I will be doing is enjoying a few of my favorite things without Lance making this face over my shoulder:

 

See, there are some things I love that Lance just cannot stand, and I, highly sensitive to judgment, would rather leave my beloved hobbies and favorite pieces of entertainment away from his critical stink eye.  That way, not only does he not have to be subjected to my things, but I can enjoy them in peace, without fear of negative comment or quiet distain (or, at least, my perception that these are happening.  Nope, not an important qualifier there at all.)

The last time Lance was away for the weekend, I watched all of The West Wing Season 4 in 36 hours! Go me!

Here are some of the things I may be partaking in this weekend while Lance is away:

  • The Lord of the Rings Extended Edition Blu-rays (I’ve owned these for a year and have never watched them! For shame!)
  • Perusing my local Barnes & Noble with no particular plan or intention of buying anything. I love the simply, calming act of just broswing in a bookstore. It’s very cathartic!
  • Making myself a pizza that does not include chicken, bacon, and barbecue sauce. Not that this isn’t great, but Lance’s preferences for pizza toppings is limited.  Maybe I’ll even fry my crust! Additionally, I will not eat chicken fingers for any meal.
  • I’ll be able to listen to a podcast of NPR’s Pop Culture Happy Hour without Lance doing an irritating imitation of Trey Graham’s voice.
  • Watching Back to the Future Parts II and III. Lance inexplicably didn’t care for the first one, so he’s not going back to that well any time soon.
  • Watching my season sets of Rome (I’ve owned these since 2007 and have never watched them!)
  • Watching some of my fave movies, like The Squid and the WhaleKill Bill, and Before Sunrise/Before Sunset
  • Watching…

…hrm.  I guess my list is mostly things that have my sitting around on my butt, in the dark, while I stuff my face with Chex Mix.

…This isn’t pathetic at all. Nope, no way, nosirree.  While, sure, I may be cutting myself off from the world to enjoy these things…and yes,  my skin tone is already the color of a pane of glass…and sure, I may just eat Hot Pockets instead of being ambitious enough to roll out some pizza dough…but, but…

OH GOD, HONEY, DON’T GO!  Who is going to drive me to the grocery store? (I hate driving!) Who’s going to wash the towels? (I hate doing laundry!) Who’s going to light the candles to make our apartment smell nice? (I hate candles but appreciate the ambience they provide!)

WAHHHH!

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5 thoughts on “What To Do When Your Partner Leaves You Alone With A Neutered Dog

  1. Haha, love it! And i know what you mean about the perception of someone judging you while you’re doing your fave cheesy things. I freaked out at George once when he got home early and sat down to watch the end of my RomCom with me. I was like I WANT TO ENJOY THEIR FINAL KISS WITHOUT YOU SMIRKING OKAY! GET OUT! it did not end well.

    1. Haha! I knew that if anybody could understand this dynamic, it’d be the two of you.

      My favorite (read: not favorite) comment of Lance’s when he catches me doing something I enjoy and he finds stupid: “Oh, Lord…”

      1. ha! george’s “shame” is unspoken. there’s a particular smirk that crosses his face whenever amy adams starts dancing across the screen. sigh! have a fun weekend 🙂

  2. awwww buck up, camper! my husband works four nights/week,so I spend a lot of “me” time alone. you’ll be okay. and, if not, there’s lots of chexmix and good movies to distract you!

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