Flick-Fil-A Bonanza: To Netflix or Notflix?

Another week brings another stack of Redbox sleeves into my cheese-powdered paws. Since going to the cinema these days to catch a talkie on the silver screen is so damned troublesome (if it ain’t the $12 ticket, it’s the obnoxious old people who have to narrate the plot to one another), we’ve resorted to Redbox’ing a lot of movies, and here’s where I tell you if they’re worth your time.

As an aside, I want to take the opportunity to RAISE THE ROOF for Redbox.Β  it’s sort of like the Boost Mobile for movies: you aren’t locked into a plan for stuff you barely use, like me and Netflix.Β  And there’s the bizarre novelty of picking up a movie outside of a 7-Eleven like its a drug deal.

Anyway, on to the reviews…!

The Descendants (2011)

What was this movie, really, besides an excuse for the crew to take an extended vacation to Hawaii and for George Clooney to slum it up as a millionaire in an attempt to win an Oscar? While the acting is pretty good, I think the film stumbles in capturing the book’s interior monologue, which lends more weight to Matt King’s (that’s Georgie-Poo) self-doubts about raising his daughters as a previously-workaholic dad.

And who would’ve figured, at the end of the day, the guy walking home with the Oscar wasn’t George but instead…Dean Pelton?

My rating: Notflix.

Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol (2011)

Look, I get that Tom Cruise is a whackadoo, but this is actually the perfect vehicle for him.Β  His hyperfocused, obnoxious intensity, which usually makes me want to step on him </end obligatory “Tom Cruise is short” joke>, is exactly the kind of character that Ethan Hunt is in this film.Β  Throw into a bag with Paula Patton (not to be confused with Paula Poundstone, friends), Simon Pegg, Jeremy Renner, some nuclear weapons, then shake and voila! You’ve got yourself what’s probably the most well-crafted action movie in quite some time.

Oh, and can I just say something about Michael Nyqvist, the bad guy in this film? Remember when he was Mikael Blomkvist in the Swedish adaptation of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo? …Have you seen this guy? While he can play a competent bad guy, how the hell do you expect us to believe he’s the kind of aloof charmer that ladies throw themselves at? Again, I say: have you see this guy?

My rating: Netflix.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011)

Oh, sweet merciful crackers, this movie is a whole bunch of build-up and no payoff!

Guess what? **Spoiler alert!**

The apes don’t actually rise, the actually just relocate to the woods. Β Do I have to see the sequel, “This Time, The Planet of the Apes Actually Rises…No, For REALSIES!” just to see some hardcore debates about possible forms of government or trade negotiations??

My rating: Netflix…but just for the last 20 minutes.

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