Bath and Blubber Works

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Howdy, y’all.  It’s Lance here.  Yes, that Lance.  I’m the donut-eating, Ruby Tuesday-loving, rolling-my-eyes-at-Jeff Lance.  That’s me.

I decided I can no longer sit on the sidelines (sports? what’s those?) and allow Jeff to continue his own ramblings – I must add some of my own.

[You will notice, too, that I have supplied you, my kind reader, with more of my soon-to-be-infamous artwork.  Please note: the artwork you see is real.  I am really that bad.]

When I got home from work today, and after saying hello to Kitty and calling her some kind of ridiculous, non-sensical name (today was Booby-Boobstery, I believe), I flipped through the Details magazine we got in the mail.  Great.  More ads of nearly naked, perfect looking people.  I hate them and hope they choke on a donut.

Anyway…on page 68 I stop cold.  It is a list of 8 OBESOGENS.  Yes, you read that correctly.  OBESOGENS.  As in carcinogens, but OBESOGENS.  Okay, Details, you have my undivided attention.  Here’s the list:

  • New Car Smell (!)
  • Antibacterial Hand soap (!!!!!!)
  • Show Curtains (!!!!)
  • Teflon Cookware (!!)
  • Personal Care Products (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
  • Plastic Bottles (!)
  • Cash Register Receipts (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
  • Pizza Boxes (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I’m sorry, WHAT?  PERSONAL CARE PRODUCTS ARE MAKING ME FAT?  Yep, according to a study (yes, another study), there are chemicals in scented body products – colognes, shower gels, deodorants, lotions, shampoos – that cause obesity.  Grrrreat.  Do you have any idea how many personal care products I use a day?  Too many to freakin’ count, and THEY’RE MAKING ME FAT?

In the period of about 5 minutes (it was a short article but, hey, I’m a slow reader – don’t judge me) Details magazine ruined my life.  Each and everyone one of those things is something I either enjoy, love, or takeitawayfrommeandiwillcutyou.  I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve been driving home in my new car, drinking diet Mountain Dew from a plastic bottle, after having just held a receipt from my purchase of both antibacterial hand soap and scented shower gel I plan to use behind my shower curtain, on my way home to make dinner in a teflon pan, only to burn it and order a pizza [box].

So all that time I spend going to the gym (and, conversely, the time I spend feeling guilty for not going to the gym) is pointless because just about everything is making me fat?

Sigh.  My life is over.  I need a Ruby Relaxer.  

And a donut.

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3 thoughts on “Bath and Blubber Works

  1. Pingback: Thanks, Y’All « Lance + Jeff

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